Money Matters.

As I sit here at the Freudian Sip--the school's cafe--and eat my lunch, I contimplate the number of things I can no longer by with the four dollars and forty cents I just spent. A bottle of Shampoo, four boxes of pasta, a card...sure all of these seem pretty frivolous by themselves, but they represent a largey part of life that one cannot live without. It's easy to forget about the little expenditures we have from day to day. A ham and cheese criossant and a large cup of dark roast coffee....a video from Blockbuster (just this once)...dinner with the friends at Macaroni Grill (it's a special occasion, it's alright)....Yes there is a difference between buying lunch foryouself and going out to eat randomly at an italian resturant or wasting your time on yet another video; lately though, anything that costs money is being lumped together under the same catagory--a luxury I could probabl live without.
Lately it's become agonizingly difficult to spend any money. The idea of having to waste my money yet again means that it's money I won't have later. It is cold--it is final. This sudden scruplousness is a strange and new feeling for me, up until now I have never wanted really wanted for anything. My parents have always been good making sure I have led the life I wanted to, they have always been wonderful at taking care of me. But they cannot take care of me forever. It has occured to me lately that I have a serious addiction to spending money and to the aqcuisition of material things. Why rent a movie or check out a book with I can buy them? What's the harm in gettig another cup of starbucks today? And doesn't food at a resturant always seem to taste better? It has occured to me lately that my only goal spend money to indulge my five senses a little bit further. I have been skating through life hedonistically and it has occured to me that I need to stop.
Suddenly, Money matters. I have always been a man of action--if there is a problem, fix it. I think fast and I act fast and by god I want immediate results as my reward. This is a large part of my problem with spending money, it's immediacy. You spend money you get something. The end. Now the very thing that has been feeding the addiction is becoming to most difficult obstacle to overcome. Off the top of my head I can think of several ways to begin saving money, but as I said to Cindy today
"Everytime I get the inclination to spend money, I feel like I have to spend money in oder to prove that I can."
"Yeah," she said, "it sucks."
Of course the epiphany of how much money I spend and how much I need to stop is coupled with the realization of how much I need to spend in order to function. Gas, groceries, and laundry take a lot of my money by themselves. Sure I can drive less, buy from the 99 cent store and...well, I really should probably keep doing my laundry once a week....but even those solutions cannot take an immediate affect. It is the immediacy I need in my life, not just in fincances but everywhere. Perhpas my real issue is how impulsive I am.
Finances aren't the only place where I've felt stretched beyond my means. "Like butter spread over too much bread." And maybe it is that impulsiveness that is pulling me in so many directions without ever letting me go completley in one. I'm not sure exactly what my problem is, but I know that my life lacks discipline, and it lacks the ambition I once was so proud of having. I need more focus in my life. More focus and less spending.