The Nature of the Beast

Let me break down my living situation for you. While nothing I tell you could ever truly paint a decent picture of my rooomates I will try to be accurate and true (and by accurate and true I mean I'm going to tell you exactly what I think about them). I will admit immediately that I am somewhat of an elitist and the guys who share my apartment aren't exactly "my type", but I am honestly not exaggerating most of what I say.
The first beast we come upon in this nature tour is Matt. Matt Madden. It’s no coincidence that Matt shares a name with one of the most popular (and obnoxious) commentator’s of football’s history. Matt is a football player. No I take that back, Matt isn’t a football player, he’s a football liver. His Favorite movie is Rudy—the heroic story of a young football player who struggles to make it even though he isn’t very good. Matt loves this movie so much that he’s gone so far to say “Football is a metaphor for life.” Though Matt still adamantly preaches the religion of football, his practices have moved from the field to the movie camera. Matt has decided his true calling in life is a screen actor—such a profession is genuinely perfect for him as he looks like the love child of David Hasselhoff and Sylvester Stallone. I’m not sure how else to describe him other than he looks like a giant toe. I find it utterly amazing that someone can look like a caricature of themselves. It’s plain to me that Matt would be superior at playing characters for the camera.
Not only does he have the face, but he’s got the type-a, ultra-charismatic personality to match. Matt is so charismatic he leaves it in the sink after he leaves the bathroom. Matt is the kind of guy who is so excited about telling you something that he will get three inches from your face to tell you. I’ll admit it’s a bit foreboding being five inches shorter than him, but I appreciate his effort make me feel like he’s really talking to me. Don’t misunderstand me, though, Matt is not a soft-spoken individual. Matt is sufficiently good at making himself heard from just about anywhere on campus (I say campus because I don’t have the recourses to test further). He is certainly a loud individual, but I sum it up to the fact that he’s just excited to hear from his friends. Like the other day when he was talking on his phone standing on the balcony—he was so excited to hear from his friend that his voice echoed off the building across the parking lot.
It’s hard to believe that such a large personality and giant of a man can be contained into one room. Don't worry, he is not. Like all dominance-seeking, overbearing males of his species, Matt cares little for the boundaries of other people and asserts himself on their territory as if it where his own. From the moment he moved in Matt claimed the living room (where I keep my DVD player and my TV) as his own. Matt permanently keeps his mattress, pair of 25-pound dumbbells, and inflatable work out ball here so that he doesn't have to inconvenience himself by going to his own bedroom to do such private things. Though honestly what it the use of “personal space”? Philosophers have been trying to determine the answer to that question for ages. Matt must certainly be an advanced individual to find the answer to the question so quickly. The way he uses my dishes, and my food and puts his things all over the bathroom counter; he must be simply trying to lead by example.
I must admit it has been hard, trying to grow accustomed to Matt's strange customs. But I am trying, the way he totally invades my personal space, and takes over everyroom he enters with either his colorful ways of using "fuck" as punctuation for his sentences; or his powerful spray-on axe deoderant obvisouly means that he is simply a more advanced person than I. And my way of living is simply archaic and unnecessary. This is the only conclusion I can come to, doesn't it just seem to make sense to you? Why else would he do any of this? I guess I have a lot to learn about what it measn to be a man. It's a good thing I have matt hear as a perfect subject to study. I'm sure I will have plenty more to report to you later about the adventures of living with such an interesting animal.