Immer Suchen

it's german for "always searching"


I have been searching for something for a while now. The problem is I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm searching for. Makes it a little difficult. But I'm searching for something...when I was younger not a lot bothered me, sure I'd get worked up about quasi-political issues and sure social issues pestered me, but then I'd just as quickly forget about them to play video games with my friends. Now it feels like no matter what there is this constant barrier between me and that comfortable happiness I had. I'm not saying I'm never happy, I'm sort of proud of the dogmatic optimism that saturates everything I do. I think there's at least some happiness to be found on even the bleakest of days--so much so that it has probably annoyed my friends more than once. But I am saying the ratio is backwards.

I'm finding myself feeling wanting more often than content. There's something that's missing, but agian, I don't have a name for it. If I could just get a glimpse, an understanding, a taste or smell of it, then at least I would know which way to plant my feet. I don't have to ask for much, I possess more than most people do and am quite...comfortable. Comfortable...why does it sound like such a dirty word?

If you think this is bad, imagine shopping for grocery's with me.

I don't know what's bothering me. Maybe it's senioritis, maybe it's the fact that I'm stuck in my dorm with no particular place to go. Maybe I desperately want my classes to get started so I have something to do. Maybe there's something more. It gets difficult sometimes, the whole notion of trying to find something that you can't even identify is overwhelming. Sometimes I just wish life were more like math--then at least the answers would be in the back of the book.