The (Not so) Science of Silence

I went for a hike today; up to stony point which is basically my mountain now (just don't tell the others). I spent about two hours exploring the backside of the mountain jumping over new rocks and finding new caves and getting dirty. Maybe it was when I was crawling on my belly through a cave or laying out on top of a giant boulder baking in the sun that I realized how powerful silence can be.

It's 4:30 now and I've maybe spoken 12 words since I've woken up this morning. And it's not that I've been trying to be anti-social, when people spoke to me I answered back, but beyond that I just kept silent. But even when I did speak to people, I noticed a suprising warmness in the reactions I got, as if saving my voice for when it was needed made it that much more powerful. It makes sense, doesn't it? When moses wanted to be a lone with God he went up a mountain--and before that he was a shepherd. How much more space do you need than that? Buddha had his tree on a mountain, and even the President gets Camp David.

It's easy to get lost in the distractions at ground level. When I cut out the extra noise--the cars, the televisions and the cell phones and the internet and even my own voice, and strip everyting down to the simple sounds of nature and the voice of my own thoughts; I find that everything is a little bit clearer, answers are more logical and questions are....they just don't seem to matter as much. Now the pertinant question now is how do I follow through? How do I bring this back off the mountain?

this is what happens when you second guess your blogging

I've had so many thoughts rampaging through my buck-shot mind recently that everytime I try to follow one jagged path I get pulled down another. So I start one, and can't ever seem to finsih and eventually just leave it alone, clogging up my concentration like a wicked case of mental blue-balls. So instead of twenty pages of philosophy and self-discovery, here's one page of simple confession. Things that've been on my mind recently:

-I need to take time for myself so I can start taking pride in myself.

-I want to finish all of the books I have started

-I hate playing the dating game, yet right now I want nothing more than to meet someone nice. I hate that this enthusiasm is what is driving people away.

-I want to go rock climbing again

-I wish it felt like my friends were as excited about what I am involved in as I am about them

-The more I discover about myself, the more I realize the infinite more I have left to discover

-When people don't respond to what I write on here, it makes me feel like a bad writer.

Single Awareness Day

Ive never really like Valentine's day. The whole aire of romance that surrounds the day seems a little forced. Thinking back, I've never actually shared Valentine's day with anyone. I've done nice things on Valentine's day for people--I used to buy a rose for three of my friends every year--and it was always very well received but I've never actually had someone who I could share the notion of Valentine's day with.

It hasn't really bothered me, until now. As I look around me I'm realizing that it seems like everyone has someone they can share today with. For some the special someone is literally right next door, while others have a few miles to trek before they sleep. Even for those who can't be with the one the love today, they still have someone. It didn't really sink in until I got a call today and found out that one of my closest friends is getting married...in ten weeks. She and her-now-fiance-are both a year younger than me! And what's more is that she's fourth friend to get married. Other friends are in committed relationships, and I? I am.....I don't know what I am.

I am not one to wallow in my own self-pity, nor am I fishing for sympathy. I will do what I always do when the stark realization of romance rears it's cock-eyed head. Read some Raymond Carver, listen to Tom wait, and get the fuck over it. Still though, the bitter reality of the single life seems to bite a little harder tonight--it's sting seems to be lingering a little longer tonight.

The real skill is in the follow through.

I believe the source of my troubles lies in the follow through. Like so many ameteur gold or tennis players, I put all my effort into the brunt of the action. I have a good swing whenever I do something; but just like the sports if you only focus on your short game you end up leaving yourself in more traps than not. Is this a bit confusing to understand? You bet. It is on my end too. But I think that any self help starts with identifying the problem.

New and exciting things

Classes, teachers, people, relationships....



There is a certain side of life, that I am ignorant too. There is a barrier built into who I am, and where I was born and who I was born to that keeps me from understanding life of the oppressed. There is a plethora of opportunity built into my life, I didn't ask for it but I have it. It is easy to skate through life without meeting much opposition simply because of the way I look (except in Texas--they don't like hippies).

The more I've studied the more aware of this advantage I have, so it's with some serendipity that the classes I have this semester are all designed to help me along that path. Men, Women, and Media is studying the bias of gender roles in the media. The History of African-American Literature highlights the significant advancements of African-American literature--literature that best shows what black society has had to put up with.

Some of you may be reading this and wondering why I hate my own skin so much--this isn't the case. This isn't white guilt. I've done nothing to feel guilty about. But what these classes, and really being in college, has taught me is that I truly believe in equality--for everyone. And that for anyone who has an advantage over another--it is their responsibility to reach out and obliterate those hurdles. I believe in this, in absolute equality for everyone. And it is time that I start taking it seriously--these classes will help.

This is going to be a hard, but a good semester.