Chrysalis and Coming off the mountain.

I've said it before: experience is gained in the follow through.

Friday morning I left with my class for our three-day backpacking excursion into the woods above lake Isabella. It was three days of uninterupted blissful escapism. We hiked in about 3 1/2 miles to a sandy beach along the river. We ate good food (I made greek pizzas on an open fire), hung out and let our hair down. Saturday we went on a day hike up to an abandoned mine shaft and learned how to orienteer with a map and compass and the terrain. Saturday afternoon we climbed a giant hill, then climbed a giant rock where we could see the whole valley. After we played a bunch of games including finger fencing that turned into "gladiator wrestling" (I accidentally flipped Kelly, a guy who's a bit bigger than me). That night we sat around the fire getting to know each other and being silly til 2 in the morning. We gave each other pirate names, John was "pokes fire with stick" Erin was "floating Gazelle" I was "pirate camper." After everyone went to bed Aeisha, John and I stalked Erin commando-style to her tent in the dark and did the hokey surpised her with the hokey pokey. She fell apart laughing.

Sunday morning I was the first one up (again), and I made fire from scratch! I felt like Tom Hanks in Castaway "I! HAVE MADE FIRE!" We left that morning, hiked out quickly (everyone was so pumped up from the weekend that a few of us practically ran...actually Erin did). We left the trailhead and met up in Kernville for pizza and beer and proceeded to toast anything and everything we could.

The whole weekend was amazing--the only bathing I did was sunbathing and that was completely expected. But it was the drive home that made me realize the significance of espcaping to my mountain top. For three days I was able to leave my problems behind, I didn't have to think about work, school, or really anyone except for the awesome people in front of me; but eventually I had to come back. I had to drive back down from the mountains into the valley where my problems laid waiting for me.

A chrysalis is the process a catipillar goes through to transform into a butterfly. It is a time of seclusion and deep personal growth. I think from time to time, it is important for everyone to undergo their own chrysalis--a time of maintenence, and a time of personal growth. Remembering to take care of the self must be one of the hardest lessons there is to learn, it continues to be one of the most difficult lessons I face. But this camping trip has reminded me of something--beating my head against the wall is useless. Occasionally life requires a retreat in order to regroup before facing our problems again. Occasionally, it is necessary to head up to a mountain so that we can come back down to the valley, revitalized and with new-found momentum.

greater than or equal to zero

I have never walked into a class and been COMPLETELY suprised to discover a test waiting for me....until this evening.

so evidently there was a midterm in class tonight. So when I said earlier to a few people that I didn't do my reading for today, that also included the syllabus. My first clue should have been when I walked in and thought "man, why are there so many people here??" But the real epiphany came when she handed me a little stacks of white papers. The thought process went something like this:

"hey waddaya suppose this is?"
...
"it almost looks like a test.."
...
"oh no fucking way..."

so yeah. I failed, I failed like Woody Allen at ameteur night at the Apollo. In fact, instead of an essay I simply wrote an explination and apology as to why I did so poorly on this exam. I think this marks the turning point in my school career. It's taken too long to realize that I just don't take school seriously. Assignments have been important, due dates have been important--but the idea of school has never been one I took seriously. I think I finally realized this when I realized that my friends and I were talking about assignments and school work that they were speaking a different language than me. They spoke of due dates and page-length requirements as commandments chizeled in stone; all they heard from me were excuses why I didn't need to go to class that time....

The problem isn't the desire to learn, I hope I never stop learning. Learning is a full-contact sport and my one goal in life is come out on top. My problem is confidence--the confidence to get from zero to one. Being a good student, staying on top of my responsibilities, being an adult in general takes discipline--I have discipline, because I can get stuff done (to put it loosely), but it is that next step, making the discipline a habbit, where I lack confidence. I've spent so much time trying to recapture my youth and remember how to be a kid that I've forgotten the importance of being an adult.

Monty Python makes everything better.

We all know where you've been yuo military faiiirry!

Leap of...faith?

Someone asked me to design a tattoo for them based on my interpretation of the word "believe." That was two days ago and I still don't have anything for them. It's a little dis-heartening to draw such a perpetual blank, I believe in many things. I believe in truth and I believe in love. I believe in God. Sometimes I have a hard time not beleiving in magic. It's not what I believe, it's that I believe that I'm having problems with--or at least communicating it in an effective way.

The teachers of CSUN may strike. Their contracts are up for renewal and the union isn't happy with the terms of the salary increase won't keep up with inflation, and the treatment of the university's finances in general. They are voting whether or not to strike this week. The teachers believe and they know how to express it. They believe in education and they're willing to fight for it. I spoke with a few of the teachers manning the "we don't want to strike, but we will if we have to" booth, they're not only looking for teachers to join the picket line but student that will pledge to support their cause. I'd like to support them...I just don't know if I would. Here's where I get into trouble.

Up until now I have believed because everyone else around me was believing. It's not a bad thing--in fact I'd say it's human nature to want to believe. But when faced with real challenges on my own terms, given the option I simply chose to not choose at all. Remaining blissfully skeptic simply takes less work. I don't think a lot of people realize the amount of work it takes to really believe in something; it's suprising the sheer commitmnet one has to make--to a cause and to themselves. I'm sure if you talk to a few ex-girlfriends they'd be happy to tell you my inadequecies with that word. I think it comes on slowly--like growing up; it isn't as if one day you suddenly decide that for the rest of your life you are ready and willing to believe. It's little by litte, and comes mostly through trial and error.

It is easy to sit on the fence. Making a commitment is the hard part, most peple don't want to do it--including me.